Priorities
by drywitticisms
Summary: Naomi Nagata makes an interesting discovery about the man she loves. Nolden centric.


**PTSD & psychological trauma trigger warnings are in effect, so I feel that I must forewarn you of that part. Especially since I'm unaware of what everyone's trigger may be, I just feel like it's better to be safe than sorry. But I would consider these things to be rather tame in the grand scheme of things (re: they're not as graphic or at least I tried not to make it so), if I'm being honest, but again, I'm not sure what your triggers may be. So, proceed with caution.**

 **With that being said - while this story is categorized under the Expanse book series, this story is completely based on the show series. I have never read the books, and I'm not even sure how much of a difference there is between the books and the show, although I'm sure there are _some_ differences. Either way, all I ask is that you take heed of both of the things I've just stated as I would hate for someone to get halfway through this story and it ends up being something they weren't expecting.**

 **But if none of those things are enough to turn you away from the story, then enjoy!**

* * *

She didn't recognize the man she loved.

The slightly, naive Earther who asked inappropriate questions under pressure was nowhere to be found.

The witty do-gooder who never shot anyone in his entire life was suddenly giving Amos a run for his money in the trigger-happy department.

It's not that she didn't understand why he needed to destroy the protomolecule and everyone that had anything to do with the creation of it. She understood that part just fine.

She could relate to wanting to atone for your sins in an effort to fix what you've done, but this was trickling over into more dangerous territory.

Naomi and Holden had different perspectives on how to deal with the current crisis.

Which is what was the cause of the present rift forming between them like a huge, gaping crater.

She never entertained the idea of breaking up with him; that was completely out of the question, but she did choose to spend less time with him.

Whenever they weren't off on the _Roci_ saving the world again, she would spend most of her time with Drummer.

She loved Holden, but she didn't know how to be around him anymore, and she needed that familiarity and comfort that came from being around people that were similar to her.

It was hard being the only Belter in their little family. She had Miller for a little while, but he was gone now.

She loved hanging out with Holden, Amos, and Alex but they weren't _Belters_.

She just needed someone to connect with; someone who understood the language. Someone who understood what it was like growing up the way they did.

"Do you ever get lonely working for Fred and being surrounded by all those Earthers and Martians?" Naomi asked as she slid a shot glass towards her severe companion.

Most people assumed Drummer was far too uptight to let her hair down and let loose, and they couldn't be more wrong.

Naomi experienced some of the best nights of her life with Drummer. The woman knew how to have a good time.

Drummer accepted the peace offering and held her glass up to Naomi in salute before quickly drinking it. She barely even flinched, which didn't surprise Naomi one bit.

Drummer was tough.

"Sometimes. Fred's a good man, but he spent most of his life as an Earther." Drummer said. "It's not his fault that he doesn't fully understand the Belter way. He tries though, and that's all that matters."

Naomi remained quiet as she mulled over Drummer's words. She was right, but that still didn't make her feel any better about what was going on with Holden.

"Why? Your boyfriend making you feel lonely?"

"What? No. We just don't see eye to eye on certain things, and it's mainly because of who we are."

"Ah, so that's why you ask? If it makes you feel better, you can still teach him our ways. He doesn't strike me as the egomaniacal type albeit a little impulsive."

Naomi laughed, "That he is."

She wanted to talk things out, but she didn't know what to say. Things haven't felt right between them in quite some time.

She wanted to clear the air and mend what was broken. It was always so easy to talk to him before everything happened. As of late, it was getting more and more difficult to talk to him.

The thought forced her to take another shot to ease her nerves.

"You're right, Drummer."

"I'm always right. Now, go talk to your impulsive boyfriend and work things out. I'll pay the tab." Drummer replied with a smile.

Naomi nodded at her before sliding off her bar stool to walk back to their quarters. She could beat him to their cabin if she took a shortcut.

She just hope this worked.

* * *

She'd been sitting in their cabin for 20 minutes when he stumbled in with a furrowed brow.

Startled by her presence, he stopped in his tracks. Naomi usually went to bed before he came back. She didn't want to argue, so she just avoided talking to him altogether.

"We need to talk." Naomi replied before gesturing at the chair in front of him. "Sit."

Hesitantly, he walked around the white armchair before plopping down into it.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"What?" Naomi asked in shock.

"Nothing. It's just an old Earth thing; if you wanted to break up with someone, that's how you'd start the conversation."

"Well, that explains it. No wonder you're everyone so weird; it's because everyone on Earth is weird. No, I'm not breaking up with you."

"Well … why-" He began.

"Remember when I asked you why you were going to see that scientist before Dawes took him? And you asked how was your decision to kill him any different than what Miller did. What did you mean by that? Since when did you start equating yourself to Miller, of all people?" She replied cutting him off.

"I thought that if you could understand why Miller did it, then you wouldn't look at me differently if I did it." Jim lowly replied. "I needed to do it, but I didn't want to change the way you think about me."

Naomi stared at him in shock. It never ran across her mind that he worried about what she thought of him. That was the last thing on her mind; she was more committed to bringing back the man she fell in love with.

"Have I given you reason to think that I would?" Naomi's accented voice asked.

"No."

"Then why? Is it because you still feel guilty about what happened on Eros? Is that what this is all about?"

"Don't you?" Jim shot back.

"Of course I do! But I don't think we need to go around killing people to fix it."

"Is that why you won't talk to me anymore? You barely even look at me unless it has something to do with the _Roci_." He replied. "Even then, you do everything you can to avoid being alone with me."

Naomi remained silent, because she knew it was true. But not for the reasons he thought.

"Do you think I'm a monster? Are you afraid of me now?" He asked in a small voice.

"No. You just wouldn't listen to me! You were being short-sighted and impulsive. You could have gotten all of us killed, including yourself."

"Naomi, I have to do this. I'm responsible for everything that's happened to us, and I have to fix it."

Naomi scoffed at the fact she still hadn't gotten through to him.

"Is it really worth losing everything? The _Roci_ , the crew, _**me**_?"

Jim just looked at her before standing to his feet. Dropping to his knees in front of where she sat in their bunk, he grabbed her face as he searched her brown eyes.

"I don't know, but I need your love and I know that I don't want to lose you."

"You won't." Naomi sighed as she reached up and grabbed his right hand and kissed his knuckles. "But one day, you're going to have to figure it out and you're going to have to make a choice. I just hope it's the right one."

"I'm messed up, Naomi. Sometimes, it feels like I never left Eros." He admitted.

"We're all screwed up because of what happened on Eros, Jim. You don't have to shoulder the burden on your own; let us help you."

"I can't, because I still feel guilty. And not all of us is screwed up. You're not screwed up; you're perfect. Which is why I need your strength to pick me up sometimes."

Naomi's face softened at his words. She was always taken aback by his compliments. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him to do so, but she just had a difficult time reconciling this sweet man with the man who wanted to tear her head off because she stopped them from recklessly going after an enemy ship.

Once they got passed their disdain for each other, things quickly changed.

"I'm not perfect." Naomi whispered. "I try to do the right thing all the time, and I usually end up failing."

"Yeah, but you're always willing to try. That's what matters."

Naomi didn't reply as she mulled over his words, and it was in that moment that an idea came to her.

"Have you thought about seeing a therapist?" Naomi asked.

Listening to some of his answers, it wasn't out of the realm of possibility that this was a response to his trauma.

"You think I'm crazy?" Jim asked removing his hands from her face.

"Of course not! I just think what happened at Eros affected you more than you think." She replied cupping his cheek with her now free hand. "You may be suffering from PTSD."

"I just thought it was the effects of the radiation, at first. I was seeing things and I barely slept. When I _did_ sleep, I was right back in the belly of the beast. Then we got together, and I was able to sleep again but things still felt weird to me."

"Is that why you're so determined to get rid of the protomolecule?" She questioned.

"I still think we should get rid of it, but what happened on Eros may have something to do with that. If I get rid of it, I can finally leave Eros."

"I understand, but we still need to find a way to help you. You say you need my strength to bring you back sometimes, but we need your strength to make the tough decisions as our captain sometimes too. We believe in you, and we trust in you. We know what we signed up for." Naomi explained.

She watched as his entire body relaxed under the blanket of her words. She knew it was only a matter of time before they could get back to this place.

They argued all the time about what the right course of action was, but they loved each other.

Their love for each other was enough to help them get through anything; it was even enough for them to take on the world as long as they did it as a **team**.

And in the grand scheme of things, that's all that really matters.

* * *

 **So, what did you think? Leave a review and talk dirty to me!**


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